Your Life Line

My name is Shirley and I live in the North East with my husband Dean; who works very hard to support me and our two gorgeous boys, Matthew (13) and Ben (8). We also have two really cute Spaniels named Bomber & Oz. We are what most people would perceive quite a “normal” family, at least we were until Easter Bank Holiday Monday 28th March 2005. That was the day our lives fell apart, the beginning of our nightmare. You see there was a time when we had three sons, we still do in our hearts, but living, we now have only two sons.

Daniel was our eldest son; at 19 was a normal teenager. He had a job working for his Uncle running & managing a company that sold herbal medicines for animals over the web. He had a car, lots of very good mates, both boys & girls. He loved footie, music and going to the Pub & Clubbing. He was very close to his younger brother Matthew; he would be a familiar site at any of Matthew’s footie matches encouraging him on the sideline. Dan was Matthew’s hero, his big bro, that’s what he called him! Daniel had a wicked sense of humour, and was a joker, he never really called me Mam, or Dean Dad, it was Shirls & Pops. We only got our full titles when he was after something!

Dan was an incredibly bright, handsome, witty young man, and we were very proud of him. Although I now try and think and look back for the signs, anything that would have helped me prevent what happened, I go over and over in my head, why did I not know. As his Mother my job was to protect him, be there for him, love him unconditionally. Why did his Dad not know, Why, why, Why. You see after returning home from a days shopping with Matthew, Ben & Dean, we came home to find, that our wonderful son had hung himself in our home. No warning, no signs, no note. Nothing could have justified what Dan had done. Our handsome bright wonderful son who had everything to live for had gone!!! No warning, why , why, why. Why didn’t he tell someone how or why he was feeling so bad, I was his mam & I missed the signs, how could I! Dean, Matthew & Ben, we were all devastated our world had fallen apart. I didn’t want to win the lottery anymore, that wasn’t my wish in life, I just wanted my baby back, cos that’s what he was, my baby, the first born, idolised by his grandparents, adored by his brothers, our little boy. Our families nightmare began that day. . . Why when he had so many friends, family to speak to why couldn’t he speak to anyone and let them know how bad he felt.

Before Daniels death I thought that Suicide was something that happened to other people, loners, to people who had nothing to live for. How wrong I could have been, for my son had everything ( I thought). Suicide can touch anyone, but the hard thing for me is I believe Daniel’s death was preventable, there is always a way. You may not be able to see it at that moment, but as that moment passes things can & do change. I know parents are the last one’s that kids may want to talk to, I understand that. I understand that especially in young men, they are scared to talk to friends in case they are seen as being weak. I believe that had Daniel spoke to someone about how bad he was feeling, I may not have been writing this now. Suicide was something that didn’t happen to families like ours, how wrong could I have been.

Now three years approaching the Anniversary of Daniels death, things in our lives have changed so much. We miss him as much today as we did the day he chose to leave. We have a sadness and an ache in our hearts that at times is hard to cope with, but for the sake of Matthew & Ben we try to be the best we can. We still feel responsible for Dan’s death and that will remain with me to the day I die. We made a conscious decision after Dan’s death to tell our story, to try and encourage young people to talk about their problems, not to keep them bottled up so they destroy you. We have appeared on TV, magazines, newspapers. Dean even ran the Marathon in London after being trained by Steve Cram & Sally Gunnell and was part of a BBC Documentary. Matthew & Ben along with their cousin Sarah designed a wristband with the logo “ifucareshare” (meaning talk & share your problems). They sold these all over the northeast and as a family managed to raise £48,000 for Samaritans NE region. A friend who was a Samaritan provided our family with so much support the children wanted to make young people aware of them. I am often invited into the school to tell my story and engage the young people at Thornhill school, I have been with them on their journey developing this website in fact it came out of a lesson I did in one of the lesson plans I did with a health practitioner Graeme Smith who works in the school around mental health. What is also marvelous is that the rap song they have written and are releasing is based on my story, the lyrics really moved me when I first heard them and the message is simple "talk to someone" if you feel low. If you feel that you need to talk to someone please do not think you are alone. There is always someone. Your parents, a friend, a teacher, a Doctor, Samaritans, anyone please don’t suffer in silence.